Lord of the Rings Modern Age
by lazypeople101
Summary: This marvelous novel is about Frodo the dweeb and his squad. It is set in the modern age.
1. Your mom

In the land of the U.S.A (haha Party in the USA), there once was a short person named Bilbo Baggins. He was very plump with a good personality. He had a nephew named Frodo. Frodo was a dweeb. The only one who really like Frodo was Sam Gamgee. {They were very, _very_ close friends. ;) }

So one day, they were chillin' #yolo in Bilbo's garage for his 111th b-day. (#lifegoals) So then their good old (literally) friend Gandalf the Grey came out of the forest by Bilbo's house. He has a nice beard. His best friend is Saruman but he's not very important right now.

For Bilbo's 111th b-day, the neighbors would come to Bilbo's garage and nag at him relentlessly. Then, he put a magical ring-pop on, and became invisible/invincible. Gandalf was hacked off, so he went to Bilbo's garage and yelled at him. Bilbo didn't give a s***. (honeybadger reference.)

Suddenly, Bilbo was very possessive of his ring-pop. He made a scary derp face. Gandalf was greatly disturbed.

He said, "Yo, yo, what's your problem dude?"

Bilbo replied, "MY PRECIOUS!"

He then left the ring-pop and left with a stick in his hands. Gandalf gave him the finger.

Frodo the freakin' ring-master (not really, lol) came back and was like, "Where's Bilbo at?"

"I don't know man, but you got a destiny of totally dangerous stuff." #riskylifetho. "And watch out, there's a little f***tard named Gollum."


	2. Turds Reunite

Frodo the dweeb and Gandalf (who secretly smokes pot) heard a sudden rustling from outside Bilbo's fabulous garage window. Gandalf saw this fatty and picked him up with his whimsical walking stick.

"What are thou hath doing a**hole?" Gandalf asked impatiently. He was very, very frustrated with this plump man.

"Hi stoner!" Sam the plump figure replied with glee. "How is the smokin' going?"

Gandalf cursed under his manly breath. "How did you know?"

There was no answer. Frodo interrupted.

"Hey douchebags! Bilbo is gone, f***!"

Gandalf said, "It's all good. Bilbo is off to his magical dreamland of Smaug, his ex-lover. Hey look at that envelope! I wonder what's inside that mysterious envelope. Frodo, look inside that mysterious envelope."

Frodo picked up the envelope and licked it with envy. He was frisky. The envelope opened by itself somehow.

"OOOOOOHHHH LOOK IT'S A RING, GANDALF! LOOK AT THIS PRECIOUS RING, GANDALF! GANDALF! GGGGAAAAANNNNNDDDDDAAAALLLLLFFFFF!"

Frodo had to take a sh**. Commercial break!

…

We're back now. Frodo was very influenced by the ring-pop. It peer-pressured him into drugs. Jk, it was just Gandalf.

"Be careful, ya wimp, it could be of utter danger, Frodo!" Gandalf cried out in worry.

"But Gandalf, it's soooooooo pretty," Frodo replied. Gandalf slapped him in the face.

"Get your sh** together, Frodo. This ain't no dolphin flippin' joke!" Gandalf talked.

Sam was just awkwardly on the side-lines watching them with a derp face.

"Sam Gamgee!" Gandalf said loudly. "Throw this ring-pop in the fire of fire-ness."

Sam threw the ring-pop. There was cryptic words on the ring-pop. It scared them. They pooped their panties.

"What is this bs?" Gandalf asked.

Frodo answered, "Your mom."

"Wait a second, this is the ring-pop of Sauron! He has a big eyeball that watches over the world for some reason. Sauron is evil, Frodo. Don't mess with him. But yolo, am I right?"

Sam and Frodo were flabbergasted. They looked at Gandalf with disapproval.

"I don't wanna die?"

"So what? Frodo, you need to take this ring-pop to Walmart, the lowest of the low. It is dangerous, and Sauron's eye lives there."

Frodo and Sam didn't want to do it, but Gandalf peer-pressured them to do it.


	3. Vegans and sausages

Frodo and Sam were out of Bilbo's garage now. #dangeroustho

"Frodo, I'm already scared. We're five steps out of the Hobbiton territory!" Frodo face-palmed.

"Sam, you douche. This isn't very far. Didn't you take pre-calculus, you dumba**!" Sam was displeased.

"Frodo, ur so mean! Ya wimp!" Sam was very p***ed off. "Ayyyy, you wanna be bffs, Frodo?"

"No."

There was silence for a while. Then, Merry the short plump man came out some garbage cans. So did Pippin, another short plump man, but more stupid.

"Hey girl!" Pippin said with a touch of saltiness.

"OMG it's Frodo! And his chubby companion, Sam! OMG we're getting food out of these garbage cans. OMG the garbage person is coming, run away!" Merry cried out.

Frodo and Sam ran with Merry and Pippin. The garbage person was shouting after them mercilessly.

"Let's hide in this totally abandoned house!" Pippin said, pointing to an old meat parlor.

"F*** that!" Frodo yelled. "That stuff's nasty! I'm a vegan!"

"Here's a sausage, you p***y," Merry and Pippin said in unison. They threw a sausage at Frodo. Frodo was disgusted.

Suddenly, a dark hooded figure came from out of the darkness.

"OMG what is that? Nice style!" Merry said. The figure was coming _very_ close. "OMG let's run away! He's scary actually!"

Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin ran into the meat parlor anyway, and were greeted by another dark figure. It hissed at them.

" _Where is Sauron's ring-pop?"_ It asked in a scary voice.

"It's at Walmart, aisle 9."

" _No, you have it, douchebag. I can smell that sweet scent of strawberry berry berry berry."_

Then the figure screamed a lot. Then the short men screamed a lot. Then they ran for it.


	4. Walmart

The four short men hid in a trashcan. Frodo put on his magical ring-pop and transported to your mom. Just kidding, it was... Walmart, right next to Sam's Club, the elderly's favorite hang-out.

"What is this?" Frodo asked in amazement. "Is this...Walmart?!"

Then he saw a big-a** security camera. And he looked closer into the camera and there was… an eyeball. But not just _any_ eyeball. It was Sauron's eyeball! Nooooo!

Sauron's eye saw Frodo and Sauron said seductively, "Yaaaaas, Frodo, yaaaaas!"

Frodo was very into this. He started strutting towards Sauron's eyeball. Suddenly, the ring-pop started to glow. Sauron's eyeball was not amused.

"Frodo, nooooo! My ring-pop! My baby!" Sauron's voice slowly echoed throughout all of the supermarket.

The evil orcs shopping for their groceries heard and were surprised. Frodo teleported back to the boring other short men.

"MASTER FRODO! Why were you wall-twerking earlier?" Sam asked worriedly.

"I...wall-twerked? Cool!"

"OMG Frodo you got moves!" Merry said. "You got moves like Beyonce!"

Pippin was freaked out. He had passed out on the sausage and started chewing it in his sleep. No one really noticed. #sneakytho

The dark-hooded scary men found the four wimpy men, and they hissed at them again like geese hissing at their prey.

"Oh, no!" All four said at once, but a hobo man came out of nowhere and stabbed the dark figure with a plastic lightsaber from...Walmart. Jk, it's from Macy's cuz he only buys high-class sh*t.

"Who are you?"

"I am Aragorn, the hunter of evil d***heads. Gotta catch 'em all!"


	5. Frito and Squad

Gandalf found a pink letter with hearts on it on his table of the motel he was staying at. It talked:

 _Dear My Lovely Gandalf the Grey,_

 _This is my break-up from our very very good friendship. I love you, but I have fallen for another one. I shall not say its name yet._

 _Anyway, come to my house, man. I got to tell you something reallllllly important. Love ya ;)_

 _With Great Love(not really),_

 _xoxo Saruman_

 _P.S. You forgot your staff in my closet._

Gandalf glared at the letter with distaste. "I should really be helping Frodo and his squad, but naw. I'm going to Saruman's house! Me and Saruman made that staff together!"

Gandalf sauntered out of the motel and jumped on his station wagon. They galloped into the horizon.

…

Back to Frito and his squad.

They all met Aragorn. Aragorn was supposed to say he was Strider, but he forgot, so they all knew his real name. Oh, sh*t.

The dark-hooded figures were hissing at Frito. Frito was offended by this. He took Pittin's chewed-up sausage and chucked it at the dark-hooded man. There was a lot of hissing.

"I'll take it from here," said Aragorn, who used his Macy's lightsaber(sponsored!) to hit the dark-hooded men.

They all ran away like little wimps.

"What were those?" Sat asked.

"Hot, sexy beasts," Metty said.

"No," said Aragorn, "They are ringwraiths. They freaky."

Frito was scared. What a potato chip.

Suddenly, an elf lady with long wavy hair was riding a majestic Mercedes Benz. The short men were surprised because she was very tall and pretty.

"Hot dam!" Aragorn said loudly.

"Come, Frito," said Arwen. "You have brain damage. We need to go to Forever 21 which has all of my elf friends and my annoying dad. He's a butt. Ignore him. He also smells bad, like donkey farts."

"Alright!" The squad said in unison. They all sat in the Mercedes Benz and drove off to Forever 21 together happily.

P.S. the names are different ;)


	6. Fellowship Has Begun

Gandalf parked his station wagon in the abandoned K-mart parking lot. He went in the disabled #hardcorelife parking space. He went inside the K-mart.

"Where are you, Saruman? You have my belongings, man. Give them back now, man. Man." Gandalf was ticked off.

"Ah, Gandalf the Grey! Good old friend. You my buddy, man," Saruman came out of aisle 15 of the K-mart, his secret aisle. "I also have your staff, haha not really! I lied!"

Gandalf was shocked. "What? Where is it then?"

"You had it all along."

Gandalf looked at his hand. There was the staff! "I have been deceived!" he shouted loudly at Saruman.

"Yo, Gandalf, I have important news."

"What, man."

"I am evil, haha! Take that, aging man! And I'm getting a plastic surgery done tomorrow. Also, I have a new boyfriend. Wanna know who it is?"

"Who man?"

"Sauron!"

Gandalf went to a corner and cried a lot. Saruman laughed at him. Then Saruman transported Gandalf to the janitor's closet of the K-mart.

"Haha you'll be stuck in that stinky place forever!" Saruman shouted mercilessly.

Gandalf cried more. Then a random butterfly appeared and transported Gandalf out of the janitor's closet. Gandalf made a happy derp face.

…

Back to Frodo and squad. Frodo woke up on a couch in Forever 21. It was a whimsical place with a lot of fabulous elves and Gucci.

"Arwen! Who is this short plump man?" An ugly elf named Elrond said.

"Daaaaaaad! This is Frito- I mean Frodo!" Arwen said as her majestic mane flew in the air conditioned air of Forever 21.

"Hello, Frodo," Elrond said.

"Hi."

There was silence, then a circle formed in the center of Forever 21.

"Come, Frodo and Elrond! We must choose people to bring the ring of Sauron to Walmart," Aragorn the hobo man said as he seated next to other people/elves/dwarves/short hobbit men/regular men.

Frodo sat in the circle.

"I'll take the stupid effing ring!" A dwarf-man named Gimli said loudly and obnoxiously.

"No, fool. Imma take it!" Legolas the annoying elf said also loudly and obnoxiously.

"You're all stupid." That was all Boromir the man said.

A mosh-pit formed and Bring Me the Horizon started playing. Everybody crazy.

Frodo got up and shouted, "Everyone, shut the f**k up!" Everyone was quiet.

Then, Gimli took his hammer and beat the crap out of the ring-pop. Nothing happened, but a vision of Walmart was seen.

"Frodo, you can take the ring," said Gandalf, who randomly appeared. It was settled.

The ones who decided to go with Frodo were Merry, Pippin, Sam, Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli, and Legolas. They started their fabulous party journey.


	7. Kissing :)

"How are we going to get to Walmart?" asked the plump short man named Sam.

"I have a party van," Aragorn said out of nowhere. He went to show the squad his fabulous party van. It was rainbow with unicorns. The party van.

-Warning! Kissing up ahead!-

The squash went inside. Before Aragorn could go in, the elf chick named Arwen stopped him for a kiss. Oooooooo! (With tongue)

-Okay, you can read now-

After the making out, Aragorn jumped into the party van with a happy derp face. "It was my first kiss!" he said as happy as a birthday cake with sprinkles. "And I'm only 90! I'm so young tho."

"What." The squad was bewildered.

"I am yet an adolescent. I age very slowly. I may live 'till 300/100."

"Ooooookaaaaay."

So the short men/elf/dwarf/men went along in the party van to a big mountain. The Smokey Mountains.

"We must get through here to get to Walmart," said Gandalf, who was intentively looking at a deer through the window. We don't why even now.

Legolas was surprised. "Look! A wall of feral bears are blocking the path to the mountains!"

Boromir was angry and ferocious. "I shall stab the bears with my sword."

"No, Boromir, you must not! The bears will eat you alive!" shouted a scared and wimpy Aragorn.

The bears were actually Sauron's pets. One was named Willis, Smokey, Airhead, and Princess. They were all males. And blocking the way to Walmart.

"Sh*t."

Gandalf was flabbergasted. But also excited. "We must go through Spencers."


	8. Unicorn Hippies

The party van with Frodo and squad made its way to the secret entrance to Spencers. But there was a big problem.

There was a water fountain near the entrance with a big squid dressed as Squidward from the tv-series, Spongebob. The squid was like,

"'Sup, homies. Where's the dope at?"

Gandalf stays silent, even though we all know the truth. The squid gets very frustrated so he attacks Frodo for some reason. Frodo was scared, because he's a dweeb sometimes.

"Help! Someone help!" he screamed. No one came to help.

Luckily, the water fountain was destroyed by Aragorn. The squid didn't have water, so he died.

"Ha, ha. I'm the boss," Aragorn said.

Frodo went to the entrance of Spencers. "There's strange writing on here, it looks like symbols or something. Graffiti."

The squad was chillin' on some rocks by the entrance. Gandalf started speaking.

"Once upon a time, I was part of a famous wizard gang. We vandalized Mordor with toilet paper. Now Sauron hates us forever."

Sam was surprised. "That's the _only_ reason he hates us forever?"

"Ya."

There was silence.

Gandalf continued, "Anyway, I learned about the graffiti language through magical unicorn hippies in Walmart's dumpster lot. It was pretty shady, man."

"So what does this mean?" Legolas the jocky man asked stupidly. He pointed at the rainbow-colored graffiti.

"It means, "'Friend.' Just kidding, it means 'make cheese.' Just kidding again, it actually means 'friend.' Oooooohhhhh, third degree buuuuurrrrrnnnn!" Gandalf could be very immature.

Frodo touched the secret entrance door softly. He said, "Friend." The door opened. Magical!

Squad went inside.


	9. Chapter 0

Spencers was really scary. There were fake skulls, but Gimli thought they were real. "My family!" he said in his husky voice. Husky dog voice.

"No, dimwit, that's my skulls! The goblins stole them!" Legolas cried out in agony.

"Why the heck you have skulls, man? Like OMG!" said Merry, "You sicko! Imma tell Elrond 'bout this!"

"No, he must not know," Legolas said. The conversation ended.

The squad traveled through Spencers, but when they were almost to the end, there was this big fire demon that started roaring and freaking everyone out.

"Yo, homies, Imma kill this biotch with my magical wand from my love." Gandalf doesn't mention a name. He wanted to be suspenseful but nobody cared. Remember, kids, this was in the scary section of Spencers! Never go in there!

Legolas was being arrogant and said, "I'll kill this thing with pure willpower."

"No way, man, I'm killin' it. Ya wimp," said Gimli with a happy/angry derp face.

Everybody started fighting for some reason, and then the floor started to crumble. The short men hid by Aragorn. Gimli and Legolas also hid behind Aragorn because they sucked.

Gandalf fell because of his old age and clung to the crumbly floor. "Fly, you fools! Stupid."

He then fell because the angry beast grabbed him by the leg. Frodo yelled out his name but the other people were already leaving.

"I'm out," said ARAGORN. "Peace."

Boromir ran away limp the little limp he was.

Before Frodo ran out, a little thin papery man thing peeked out of the shadows. That was Gollum.


End file.
